I don't sleep.
I haven't slept for 8 years.
As a result, I was sitting at a red light, waiting for it to turn green, on my way into work this morning and realized after several minutes I was actually a block away at a stop sign.
Hyperbole aside, I can probably count on one hand the number of times I've had a good night's sleep in the past six months. I can't remember any farther back than that due to sleep deprivation. It got so bad this fall that I broke down, went to my family physician, and practically begged the woman for a prescription sleep aid. She quickly wrote me a prescription for Ambien CR and gave me careful instructions on how to use it.
A lot of my friends warned me not to take it. They told me horror stories of people THEY knew waking up next to plate of nachos and not remembering having prepared them. Or of waking up in their birthday suit in a different room in the house. I didn't care. I would gladly eat nachos naked if it meant getting a good night's sleep.
Night one was bliss. Night two I sent some text messages I don't remember ever having written. Night three, I was wide awake and staring at the clock by 1 a.m. And so it went from there.
A few months later, after having bought stock in the Garnier Nutritioniste Skin Renew Anti Puff Eye Roller, I was back at the doctor's office, and this time my doctor just looked frightened. I mean, zombie chick is making a comeback, but the look just hasn't caught on in Tyler yet. She gave me something "stronger."
Night one, I finally fell asleep at 3 a.m. Night two, same thing. I stopped taking it. Took it again a week later. Felt drunk and slurred my texts. And still didn't sleep.
My friend Connie has suggested yoga. I'm too tired to go. I've heard to take warm bath before bed. Drink a glass of red wine. Take Benadryl. Watch the Golf Channel. One extremely misguided individual whose name I will not mention has suggested that just lying in bed is getting enough rest.
I don't know what the solution is and I'm too sleepy to figure it out.